Holy Shit, That Was Hard

August 10, 2025

I've always been a free spirit. This year, I finally flew away from what is not good for me.

Author's Note: It's been four months since my dad died, and I learned the person I had given my heart, hope, and love to had built and maintained our entire relationship on lies, manipulation, control, and abuse. Those two life-altering experiences combined with the massive stress of the school board, parenting, and navigating a new career have made this the hardest chapter of my life.

What I can say today is "Holy Shit, that was hard."

I am proud of me.

Holy Shit. That Was Hard.

I held my father’s death in one hand

and the collapse of my entire reality in the other.

And somehow still stood at the podium,

diamond necklace steady on my chest,

voice clear,

even as my heart begged me to disappear.

Holy shit. That was hard.

I stared down betrayals wrapped in tenderness,

sifted through sweet texts laced with lies,

and still showed up for work,

for my children,

for the people who never knew I was breaking in half

between agenda items and breath control.

Holy shit. That was hard.

I swallowed silence instead of screaming,

wrote truth instead of texting,

chose no contact

while my whole nervous system

ached for just one drop of the poison

I finally stopped calling love.

Holy shit. That was hard.

I remembered things I didn’t want to remember.

Connected dots I prayed wouldn’t line up.

Found their names in a memory,

Then another.

Then another.

And still—

I didn’t collapse.

I studied.

I learned.

I rewrote the whole damn story.

Holy shit. That was hard.

I held the urge to explain myself.

To send the clever text.

To make him see what he did.

But I didn’t.

I let the silence speak for me.

And God, did it thunder.

Holy shit. That was hard.

I kissed the grief on both cheeks.

Let rage sleep in my bed.

Invited loneliness to sit beside me

without feeding it old fantasies.

Holy shit. That was hard.

I watched him move on like I never existed.

I saw her take my place,

still dripping in the lies he told me were mine alone.

And I didn’t go back.

Not once.

Even when the ache came with claws.

Holy shit. That was hard.

I laughed through tears.

Danced in a new country.

Held manatee dreams in saltwater silence.

And whispered to myself,

I love you.

You are safe.

I will never abandon you.

You can trust me.

Holy shit.

That was hard.

And holy shit—

I am proud of me.