Why Am I Always Apologizing? | Understanding DARVO

At first our intimate conversations started off strong. But overtime, things began to blur.

Communication in intimate relationships is complex. It can be both a strength and a vulnerability. Speaking honestly about our feelings, needs, and hurts requires courage—because it means opening ourselves up, trusting that the other person will meet us with care.

For a time, I thought I was making progress in a relationship where communication seemed safe. At first, I was encouraged to speak up when something hurt me. But over time, something changed. My honesty and vulnerability started to backfire.

Instead of taking accountability, the conversations flipped. I would share my feelings, and suddenly he was the victim. Before I knew it, I was apologizing—for asking for consistency, for naming broken trust, even for wanting respect.

I noticed a pattern. I'd bring something up. He would deny, deflect, make it about me being too needy or 'imbuing' meaning to an action that wasn't the intent. I noticed that in these conversations all of a sudden I was apologizing to my own hurt and fawning to please him.

Later I discovered that this wasn’t just a difficult dynamic—it has a name. DARVO.

DARVO is a manipulation pattern that stands for:

• Deny – The person denies the behavior or wrongdoing.

• Attack – They attack the one bringing it up, often by questioning credibility or motives.

• Reverse Victim and Offender – They position themselves as the victim, and you as the offender.

Here’s what it can look like:

• You bring up something hurtful. They deny it outright.

• You try to explain your feelings. They attack your credibility, saying you’re “too sensitive” or “irrational.”

• They flip the roles. They are the victim and you are the offender, and suddenly you’re defending yourself instead of standing in your truth.

If you’ve experienced this, you know the toll it takes. Your chest tightens, your breath shortens, and you start to wonder, Am I overreacting? Sometimes you even apologize for simply asking to be treated with respect.

That’s what DARVO does—it destabilizes you.

It isn’t miscommunication; it’s manipulation.

What a healthy response would sound like is very different. Something like:

• “You’re right. I hurt you, and I wasn’t honest. I'm sorry."

• "Tell me more about why you are upset and what can I do better?"

• "I am sorry my actions make you feel unsafe. What would make you feel safe?"

Here is the kicker—words alone don't matter.

Actions and behavior is where the truth lies.

Words + Action = Accountability.

That is how you begin to repair.

I never got that. What I got instead was DARVO,

Loving words and promises but no action. Diamonds.

Lies told straight to my face, and ultimately—silence.

Naming these manipulation tactics helped to give me back my voice.

To set and hold boundaries.

It is my job to keep myself safe—physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

And that is exactly what I am doing.